christmas toys

How we help curb the ‘I want that!’s during the holidays

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About Tsh

Tsh is the founder of this blog and lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and 3 kids. Her latest book is Notes From a Blue Bike, and believes a passport is one of the world's greatest textbooks.

In our Facebook conversation a few weeks ago, it sounded like there’s a common issue with certain family members wanting everything under the sun, particularly during the holidays. It’s not perfect around here by any means, but I’ve found a few keys that help keep the “I wants” a bit at bay.

1. Limited gifts as a tradition

We’ve always done three gifts per person for Christmas, and no more. Our kids know to expect this, which means they know there’s a finite amount to the spoils they can expect.

Many other families do a “want, need, wear, read” tradition, and I dig that, too. Whatever the route you take, I find that setting—and then communicating about—a firm limit on quantity helps keep expectations realistic.

2. Avoid the stores

We very rarely take our kids inside a physical store during the holidays, and when we do, it’s more of an event-with-a-plan and not a casual browsing. Just like keeping junk food out of the house, there’s less craving when you can’t see it.

(We do have an annual tradition of giving each kid ten dollars and taking them to a local toy shop, where they each buy a gift for one of their siblings. That’s fun. We make an event out of it.)

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3. No commercials

We haven’t had regular TV in quite awhile, so our kids rarely see commercials. It’s almost funny when they do—they don’t really know what they are (“Mom, can you skip this so we can watch our movie?”). There’s a difference in their attitudes when they’ve been around commercials; they’re a bit whinier and aren’t as satisfied with their toys.

Do what you can to avoid traditional TV during December, and when you do see commercials, talk about them. Verbally dissect the advertisers’ tricks of the trade and help the kids become more aware with their blatant and intentional manipulation. It seems to diffuse their power a bit.

4. I like vs. I want

Year round, we ask the kids to tell us they like something, not that they want something. So when we’re in a store, or when we’re browsing the Internet, or when we’re flipping through a catalog, or when we’re at a friends’ house, the kids know to say, “I like that car.” “I like that doll.” “I like that game.”

It’s subtle, but there’s a real difference between telling us they want something versus simply stating the fact that they like something. Heck, I’ll even verbally point out to the kids when I like something. It helps them understand that they can appreciate something without necessarily owning it, and it’s a lot easier on my ears, too.

5. Give

We pick a different method of giving each year, and we get the kids involved. Some years, it’s been picking a name from a giving tree at our church, and shopping as a family for a present. Some years, we make a shoebox for Operation Christmas Child (it’s not too late; you can make one online). We also make Christmas cards for our Compassion kids each year and send them with a little extra contribution.

Giving softens their hearts. It softens mine, too. And it’s a tangible reminder that Christmas isn’t all about us.

Ideas to curb the "I want that!"s during the holidays

I also love Brooke McAlary’s guide for having a good, old-fashioned clutter purge leading up to Christmas. If your house could use a bit of toy decluttering, now’s a great time to do it. If you get the kids involved, it’ll help them appreciate the less-is-more approach to toys. Mine always do after a good purging.

None of these ideas are foolproof, of course, but they’ve really helped temper the “I wants” during the holidays. The kids still make a wish list longer than they’ll ever actually receive, but that’s okay with me. Dreaming isn’t the problem, especially when you’re already grateful for your stash of toys.

Alright, your turn—I’d love to know your tricks for keeping the “gimmes” at bay!

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Comments

  1. Do you mean that they only get three gifts from Mom and Dad or three total? You mention that they buy a gift for a sibling, but what about gifts from grandparents and other relatives? Just trying to understand.

    • For us, it’s three from Mom & Dad. Then the siblings each give one gift to each other (we have three kids, so we rotate who gives to whom—this year it’s oldest -> middle -> youngest). Then the grandparents give a few to the kids, but no one else in the family does gift exchanges.

      All in all, we’re talking a total of maybe 6-8 gifts. But only three of those are from Mom & Dad.

  2. Great post Tsh. A really timely reminder about excess and overconsumption. It’s like the whole world goes mad this time of year. This year we’ve instigated a no present rule for adults, that’s really helped reduce the shopping frenzy !!
    Chrisy@GoodNorthCoastLife´s latest post: 1st December – December Daily

  3. In addition to no tv, I often recycle the catalogs before the kids see them. My girls have only made lists once or twice. instead we have an elf who sits quietly up high watching over all. he sees what we need and want and reports to santa. Each member of the family makes each member of the family a gift and we open on Christmas Eve. We have done this for over 10 years now and the focus of our entire season is on making and giving. The gifts on Christmas Day are almost inconsequential now.
    Sarah´s latest post: Autumn Traditions

  4. avatar
    Tracy Alsterlund says:

    In our home, the list making cannot happen until after we have been thankful (Thanksgiving). I give them 5 days to a week to write down their list which is kept in their stocking. Then I quickly buy what I think is best of their list and tell them the shopping is done, no more need to look and like and want. Save your own money to buy it after Christmas. We also don’t put out presents under the Christmas tree until The Day. It works for us and the cat who when he was young sprayed the tree. Totally gross, but it led to our clean under the tree policy, which takes the focus off of the presents.

  5. We are implementing the 3 gifts this year. I wish I had been smarter in years past. We do quite a few of your tips already and it does minimize the material excess that Christmas advertisers want for us. The true spirit of the season is abundant when giving to or helping others.

  6. We do all these same things too, Tsh. We have for our kids whole little lives. It works well for us to have: a gift from us, a gift from their siblings, and a gift from each other. Plus their stocking filled with stuff they use up in the year, like craft supplies. It make for a peaceful, undemanding holiday season.
    Robin from Frugal Family Times´s latest post: It’s not too late! Countdown to Christmas with Family Advent Activities

  7. We try and do these things too. Seems like this is the first year I see the fruit in our children. They even came to me last week ready to do their toy purge.
    Rita´s latest post: In the Blink of an Eye

  8. I’ve tried several of these but my daughter would still get the “I Wants”. But this year there is a girl in her class who lives in an orphanage. My daughter got to see in a very physical way the difference between I want and a true need! Her gratitude for her parents and home has increased exponentially. From now on I will seek out opportunities for us not just to serve needs but truly see them first hand.

  9. When our children purchase gifts for others at Christmas and during the year they contribute half of the money from their savings/earnings and we contribute the other half. We’ve found this encourages them in their gift giving as it makes their small amounts of money go that little bit further and they put alot of thought and love into choosing their gifts. It also helps them understand the value of the gifts given to them.
    caroline´s latest post: still

  10. I love these ideas! We limit gifts at home, with one or two small items from Santa, and one larger item from mom and dad. I find though that it’s harder to limit gifts from other family members! My side of the family does secret Santa, which keeps it to just one gift. But my husband’s family insists on doing gifts to/from all of the cousins, which ends up being around 20 gifts. It’s out of control! My son is still young, so we end up hiding or donating a large portion of his gifts, but I’m nervous about dealing with this as he gets older. It’s just so excessive. Any tips on dealing with gift giving in large families?

    • We had this same problem with tons of cousins when I was a kid. We switched our “gift” time to a game. Everyone buys a present for themselves ($20 or under) and wraps it in newspaper. At the party, there’s a bin at the front door to put them in. (or two, one for kids, one for adults). Then when we get to the time we used to open gifts, the kids each pick one and take turns unwrapping. As each gift is unwrapped, they record who they think bought it. In the end, each kid takes their own toy home, so it’s NOT about giving rather than getting. However, it’s just one toy per kid rather than 20, and they DO spend some time thinking about what their cousins like. the first year we did just the kids, but we had so much fun the adults started their own game the following year.

    • I wish I had some good advice,but since my try to do a name draw failed this year, I really need some ideas too. I have three siblings, and a total of 5 neices and nephews to buy for, and we have two girls. I suggested we draw names, but my suggestion was met with total resistance to the point that my s-i-l was upset and said they were giving gift cards at Thanksgiving to all the kids. We didn’t want gifts at Thanksgiving, as that is a holiday about being thankful, not getting things. So in the end we had to cave and buy for all the kids again. How to we go about changing when 3 out of the 4 want to change, but one is totally unwilling to do so?

    • Kristin, I don’t have first-hand experience dealing with large families who like to give gifts to each other (ours just get together and play games, watch movies, hang out, eat, etc.), but I’m sure someone here does!

      Megan’s post from a few years back does a fantastic job of explaining how to handle the emotional, relational side of all that. Not a practical solution for you, but it may help as you look towards extended family situations this year.

  11. This is the first year we’ve successfully implemented “want need wear read” and I LOVE the simplicity of it. Since the kids were toddlers, we’ve also not put out gifts until Christmas morning, for practical purposes. But it’s a tradition we’re continuing because it keeps the focus off of gifts received, and places it firmly on Advent and gifts to be given. I love the idea of doing a sibling gift exchange – will have to borrow that idea!

  12. We did the three gift each limit last year and are making it a tradition. Even my husband and I are limiting it to three gifts for each other. It really took the pressure off of not only the kids expecting lots of loot, but I felt liberated in shopping. I knew when I was done and spent less money. Also, it made me be very thoughtful in my shopping, since I wanted those three gifts to really matter and be great. We still do stockings, so they get some small items too that way.

  13. In addition to the things you suggested, we have had years when the children (now 8, 6, 3, and 1) don’t really get anything. Same for our extended family. We focus on Jesus and on giving, not getting. We don’t even have a tree (no space anyway) to put gifts under so that helps too. Instead we have a playable nativity set that comes out in pieces each year, we have simple traditions like dipping candles and putting up lights and a Jesus-focused advent calendar. We’ve never acknowledged the Santa myth except to read accounts of the true St. Nicholas. I love the simplicity and Christ-focus of advent.

  14. Nice idea for sure – unless you’ve already started the tradition of giving waaayyy toooo muuuuch and are trying now to scale back with kids who are old enough to notice the difference. I would LOVE to see some suggestions for how to do that! I’ll be following along in the comments for sure.

  15. I absolutely love the idea of limited gifts and we try to practice that but I’m curious what you do about excessive giving from other family members and how do you handle stockings?
    Erin S.´s latest post: Christmas Inspiration

    • Stockings are pretty simple for us, filled with both practical and fun. So, a new magazine, a toothbrush, a few art or school supplies, maybe a small toy, a tiny bit of chocolate, nuts, and an orange. That’s more or less it.

  16. Same question as everyone else: how do you handle excessive grandparent gift-giving?! At our house it’s even worse, because my eldest’s birthday is on December 1st, so we have Thanksgiving, start Advent and begin the holiday season with parties and presents. Add to that that we live overseas so the grandparents compensate for time spent with the kiddos with over-the-top presents.

    • Hi Rebecca – Since I don’t have first-hand experience with this, I typically point people to this post regarding grandparents and excessive gift giving.

      Hope it helps some! :)

    • Hi Rebecca,
      It always depends on family dynamics. However, in my situation I would request that due to living overseas and the logistics of eventually moving back, restricted space in your current situation, etc. (if any of those apply to you) that you would prefer your parents invest in your children’s future. Look into establishing a college investment fund. Have your parents buy your kids stocks in toy or electronic companies vs. the toys and electronics. Your kids may not be totally jazzed about it now, but when their freshman year of college is paid for it will be way better than any Christmas they could have had as a kid. It is also creates a good opportunity to teach your children about finances and investing.

  17. We are set up similar with 3 gifts per kiddo, one of them always being a gift. It has really worked well for us thus far (oldest is 14), especially with our adopted children who tend to get overwhelmed with the excitement and the stress of holidays. I think it helps alieviate some anxiety.
    We started something a few years ago that we all look forward to now. We call it “Jesus’ birthday gift.” We all throw out ideas for a few weeks of who/what organization we would like to bless, make our choice and then we all pitch in together (emphasis on sacrificial giving, not just out of our excess – and it can be giving time, too). One year we were able to give a gift card to a big box store for a newer immigrant friend and last year we contributed to the adoption fund of a family dear to us. Not sure what we’re going to do this year, but ideas are floating around already! I love how our kids have really grabbed on to this and are excited about it (well, most of them anyway!).
    Sharon´s latest post: Mercies along the way…{entry no.34}

  18. avatar
    Virginia Gal says:

    I would like to know how you handle the santa factor, Tsh. Are the 3 gifts separate from Santa gifts, and how do you limit those? I have a hard time coming up with reasons why Santa only gives my kids one or two gifts when their friends get many more than that from Santa. Thoughts? Suggestions?

    Thanks.

    • When I lived in France, families gave their children one gift–and it was from Santa. It was a well-thought out and wanted gift. I still remember what the children got that I was visiting on Christmas Eve:

      teenaged boy received a leather jacket

      young girl received a bead jewelry kit

      younger boy with Downs’ syndrome received a harmonica

      Watching the children open their gifts and seeing their excitement (and the parents tender care showing their youngest son how to use his gift) was really touching. I saw that one really loved gift was much more appreciated than a lot of STUFF. That boy wore his leather jacket to church every Sunday after that.
      The Prudent Homemaker´s latest post: Advent Activities

  19. I think that this is an issue that seems to resolves itself naturally when the focus in the home year round is permanently on giving of one’s self and serving others. When considering others is a year round “normal” mindset for the family, Christmas isn’t any different. Pointing out the gimmicks in advertising is a great help too.
    In our family, our children don’t get much throughout the year. Gifts are a few wanted/needed items and stockings are filled with much needed under garments and socks with a few trinkets. Not intentionally but because that’s the way our finances allow at this time. Christmas gift-giving is more need than want and after a year of leanness, even the necessary seems extravagant. Because our children have such conservative lives, we as parents are every bit as thrilled as they are when they receive an abundance of blessings from grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

  20. Just reminds me of a text I sent my son who went shopping with my credit card recently. I said “please restrict your purchases to needs as opposed to wants”

  21. I really appreciate the idea of “I like vs I want” !! I need to start pushing that in our house – because “Ask Santa” is not the appropriate answer, yet it’s my go-to.
    Jacque´s latest post: Living Like a Married Couple

    • Yes, Jacqui! I took the same thing out of the article. I love the “I Like” idea because I tend to say, “ask for it for Christmas”, but that still creates a mind set of aquiring. I am going to work “I like” into our conversations this year.

  22. I have the same question as everyone else – how to limit the abundance from relatives without being seen as a scrouge. (I recognize this is a really a first world problem!)

    We have tried directly asking, “Please keep the gifts under control this year.” and “The kids already have so many toys.” but grandmas are a stubborn bunch! Mostly, I think it’s a difference of perspective – what seems like a little to them is overwhelming to us when multiplied by two grandmas, aunts and uncles, visitors, etc.

  23. You may have heard this idea before, but we started giving just 3 gifts each to our kids…the same amount that Jesus got. It helps the kids really discern what’s most important to them. It saves money and space and wrapping paper! We also do a service project that gets the family to look outward instead of “it’s about me.” Over time, our holiday has gotten simpler, and I love it!
    mare´s latest post: Come Shine with Me!

  24. “I like” instead of “I want” is genius. Simple, but genius. I’ll have to work on that with my daughter.

    We have not been limiting the number of presents and I know I spoil her at Christmas. This year I’m feeling a little more restrained and with a little brother on the scene it’s a good time for me to set boundaries for myself. It also helps to realize that it will help them too.

  25. My 7yo son was into the “Can I get” mode pretty severely last spring and summer. So we talked about the differences between “admire, desire, and acquire” and how to determine “want vs. need” between the desire and acquire stages. It was an instant cure and he uses these words regularly now, although it’s often in the grocery store . . . “I admire red grapes. I admire chocolate. I desire apples.” Other people will overhear and chuckle, but I’m just thankful that he understands and uses the concept in the right way.

  26. We do one gift from mom, one from dad, one from sibling. Our gifts are usually hand made, but not always. This year as part of our Advent Calendar I will take the kids out on a date night to discuss what they are going to give for Christmas. This way I can have an intentional discussion with them as to what they want to give and why. We also include a day of donation in our Advent Calendar “Pick three toys and donate them to Goodwill”. My kids ran upstairs and grabbed 3 things without question. In past years when writing our letter to Santa I have guided the kids to ask for one thing by letting them know that they are more likely to get what they ask for if there is only one thing on the list. I then follow through by getting them that gift. My 7 year old son now gives this lesson to his younger sister. I love when a plan comes together! I think one of the things to remember is that your hopes for simplicity may not look picture perfect this year, but with consistency over time you will see results.

  27. I like the “I like” over “I want” clarification; we used to be pretty good with it and somewhere along the way it disappeared. We are doing four gifts and a book for each child this year, and it’s one more gift than I wanted. So we are actually going to give each child one gift on New Years — and it’s a gift we can all enjoy playing that night together. It has become a New Years Eve tradition to stay home, play games and eat treats, and start the new year as a family.
    Lisa Grace´s latest post: Breathe. Become. Believe. {Advent, Day 3}

  28. Great post!
    Further to the like/want, we also point out like/want versus NEED. Helps to specify what ‘need’ really means.
    We stay out of stores in general year round, which is key for us. It helps me not to see all things I myself might like/want or supposedly ‘need’ so that I’m not modeling unhelpful consumer habits.
    We’ve never given in the to ‘gimmes’ so that phase is very short lived, if it happens at all. If they see something they want, we suggest they put it on their birthday or Christmas wishlist, no matter how far off those special days are.
    When those special days come, we ask which ONE of the items on their list they’d most like.
    We also love experiential gifts, which helps lessen the expectation that their will be oodles of gifts under the tree. Our kids know that gifts are also things to DO.
    I think the biggest thing we do to curb all the holiday insanity is to stay home.
    We snuggle in and use this as our most ‘nesting-est’ month.
    Lots to be said for baking cookies for neighbours, turning over the say on our advent calendar, story walks on the deserted beaches, decorating the tree, and generally avoid the Cult of Busy.
    Thanks for the post!
    Carrie

  29. Love the post. Especially the like vs. want part. I’m kind of partial regarding the three gifts. I grew up with this rule and it kind of took the surprise out of Christmas. When we were older, we knew how to tailor our list to get what we “really wanted”. So we had a pretty good idea what we would get – and if we wouldn’t get it we would be disappointed. We definitely limit gifts but we make sure that there are some stocking stuffers that are real surprises :-)
    Franziska´s latest post: A Story about being Thankful

  30. I like what you said about teaching proper dialogue. I have done the same thing with my kids, showing them that we can window shop and catalog shop and like all the pretty stuff we see, but we don’t have to want it in our rooms. Wanting and liking are not the same, for sure.

  31. I love this post and all of the comments. This may sound nuts but we’ve always just given our kids one Christmas gift (they’re six and four now). They also get one small gift from each set of grandparents, one for each other, and one from my brother’s kids. It’s not like we even originally set out to restrict it, but since it’s what we’ve always done, they don’t expect anything else. They each get about 5 gifts total at Christmas and love it. We’re still getting a lot of “I wants” around this time of year, so your suggestions are so helpful.

    Other ideas: my in-laws’ decided awhile back to stop exchanging Christmas gifts altogether, and on my side of the family we do a fun adult exchange: White Elephant style but we set a price limit and pick out cool gifts for the exchange like a bottle of wine or craft beer, gift cards, etc. The focus of Christmas gatherings is always being together, food, and new memories more than stuff, and I love it.

    I feel thankful to have two sets of extended family who are trying to live simply and I recognize these things can get really tricky if you’re family doesn’t understand that. My only advice is that our family habits have come through several conversations about preferences and expectations over the years, so maybe that conversation would be really freeing for some extended families who are trying to trim up their budget. Maybe you could gently keep at the conversation by asking for a compromise if ideas are polar opposite?

    I have to say my kids are totally happy, love Christmas, have plenty of toys, and just know they won’t get everything on their list. Is there some disappointment? Yes of course, but that’s life.
    julie´s latest post: decorating day.

    • We do the same: one gift from the parents. We don’t do gift exchanges with friends, because it tends to get out of hand. Family members do give gifts, but not a ton.
      The gifts we give this year:
      Just-turned-5 year old: a book
      3 year old: a drawing set
      2 year old: a play shop register
      6 month old: nothing (sounds harsh, but what is the point?)
      I have been told that this is child abuse and that my kids will grow up feeling unloved. Imagine that!

  32. In the month of December we have my daughter’s birthday, my husband’s birthday, my neice’s birthday, my dad’s birthday, my SIL’s birthday, and my Grandma’s birthday (she’s 87 this year!). And then there’s Christmas… I could scream. Seriously… And last year I did. And this year we made some major requests and major changes regarding Christmas b/c it’s just all so overwhelming. Lets go ahead and ignore the fact that every weekend day this month is filled with parties and gatherings and gifts. literally. Dealing with JUST CHRISTMAS we’re going pretty radical, and are loving it thus far. We’re doing a project along with our church called “the greater good project”. You take what you normally spend on christmas gifts, cut it in half, spend half on yourselves (as a family) and give the rest to a charity of choice (this year it’s microfinancing local small startup businesses for people whose income is under the poverty level). The children in our congregation voted on this charity and are behind it 100%… They spend a lot of time in Religious Ed. talking about giving and the greater good year round so this is a nice chance to do this). SO. Considering that money’s been tight around here, half of our spending on ourselves is 1 $25 gift per person in the household. Then the kids get stockings with craft stuff and “needs” and probably some candy… and that. is. it.
    My kids are young so I’m anticipating some groans as they get older… but maybe not so much if we set the precident now and back it up with our own and our congregation’s beliefs regarding holiday giving.
    As far as the extended family goes: We really made some family members mad this year by telling them “no gifts”. Period. Of course… I still have the same question regarding excessive grandparents as everyone else… and I’m all ears! Esp. with my Dad who worked an extra MONTH in his seasonal job just so he could buy ALL THE GIFTS IN THE WORLD for us all… and has a hard time expressing himself in any other way…
    Robyn´s latest post: Allergen-free holiday candy! Plus an intro to our Gingerbread House Project

  33. These tips were so awesome that I shared a lot of them with other moms during our preschool kid drop-off. Best One: I like vs. I want. Thanks!
    Archer´s latest post: Show Up for Your Own Wellness

  34. Love this, Tsh!

    We also don’t make Christmas lists. We like to make lists about what we want to get for others. But not stuff we WANT.

    a
    ohamanda´s latest post: Unto You…

  35. We have talked about likes. One thing I like to do is to be more specific. “Why do you like that?” “What do you like about it?” It helps them break down the elements of the item to recognize what is appealing about the item (and sometimes what isn’t appealing about it). This also helps me to understand their particular style, and because I make gifts, I can get a better understanding of what they really like so that I can give them something that is more their taste.

    I also don’t hand them toy catalogs. Advertisements go in the trash. It helps me and it helps them to be more satisfied with what we have.
    The Prudent Homemaker´s latest post: Advent Activities

  36. While we don’t limit Christmas gifts per say, they don’t get an excessive amount but we don’t have a number and do Santa, as it is a beginning of believing in something you can’t see, we do go to the dollar store and shop for the family member that we gift exchange with on Christmas. The kids really like shopping and thinking about what others would like and enjoy participating in the wrapping and giving. (they are 5&4). We also during the year sometimes just go to the toy store to look but not buy, we talk about that before in the car, I think it’s good practice for learning you can look at something and not have to have it and we don’t get something every time we go to the store. Usually only on special occasions. Also, they make Christmas lists but usually are not anything they really want, but it’s okay to dream and it’s a good lesson that you don’t always get what you want and that’s okay.

  37. Here (Norway) its quite common to only give one gift per child.. So no one is really disappointed if that happens. But then again all grandparents, aunts and uncles also give them gifts..

  38. My 5 yr old says I want all year long but as holiday season rolled around I wants turned into temper tantrums. So I downloaded a naughty nice app that let’s me decide whether they are naughty or nice by where you press on the reset button. And me and my mom told him separately that Santa called us both and yelled at us for spoiling him too much. Btw we actually did not plan that.

  39. LOVE the “I like” vs. “I want” distinction! In all the trips I’ve made to the grocery store with my boys (3 and 2), I have never thought of that! You can bet it’s getting brought out the very next time we go shopping anywhere, though. The 3 year-old in particular has a really hard time not asking for everything he sees, and I get so tired of saying “no”, or of constantly reminding him to be grateful. “I like” might just give him a way to talk about what he sees without immediately asking for it. Seriously. I feel like I’ve made an amazing discovery here.

  40. Great advice! We also limit the junk mail/toy catalogs – just recycle them before they even come in the house. And yes, the less time in stores the better at this time of the year. We’ve also shifted how we give our gifts. We also follow the ‘limited gifts’ theory and always give our kids books each year. But instead of giving them on Christmas, they receive their books on the first day of their winter break so they can enjoy them longer.
    Jacquie@KCEdventures´s latest post: Holiday Kids Book Give-away

  41. You mentioned my favorite one, which is getting rid of commercials. I noticed a huge difference the year we switched from dish to netflix as our TV source.

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