clothdiapers

When a fresh start means selling your stash

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by Megan Tietz

Megan Tietz wants you to join her on the front porch for some long talks and iced tea. She lives in the heart of Oklahoma City with her husband, two daughters, and twin sons. Catch up with her at Sorta Crunchy and join the conversation in her Facebook community.

This is a hard story to tell.

Chances are, you’ll read it and raise an eyebrow, wondering where the hard part of this story is, because to you, it seems a little silly. And in the grand scheme of the universe and life, I know it is, really. But for me, for now, I’ve had a hard time making peace with the way this story ends.

To take you back the beginning, we would have to time travel back eight years ago where you would find me in a modest little apartment in Texas, happily mothering my beautiful one year old daughter, and absolutely giddy about my new discovery: cloth diapering.

What began as a simple, thrifty solution to an economic challenge quickly grew into something of a hobby, and in my enthusiasm, I started a blog and filled up post after post with my zeal for cloth diapers. I knew every system of diapering, I moderated cloth diapering message boards, I stalked the shops of WAHM-made specialty diapers that would sell out seconds after they stocked, I knew the first names of some of the more prominent diapering business owners of that era because we emailed each other often. I was all in.

My passion for my precious hobby waned only slightly when I was pregnant with my second daughter, but once she arrived, I was over the moon to get to experience cloth diapering from the start. I continued to write about it on my blog, and even wrote about it sometimes here at Art of Simple. Eventually, the day came when both girls had grown out of the diapering stage, and so I tucked most of our cloth diapering stash away for a wistful someday.

And then someday roared into our lives when our just one more arrived with an identical brother. Even though more than a few people looked at me like I was out of my mind, I was determined that the twins would be cloth diapered, too. I built a nice sized stash of squishy soft diapers for them and washed and stacked them neatly in the nursery. It wasn’t really a question for me. That’s what I did. That’s who I was.

But then we brought home a big dose of shell-shock with those two sweet bundles, and a few months later, my precious readers gently pointed out that what I thought was just a difficulty in adjusting to life with them was actually postpartum depression. And when I had just barely, barely begun to get a handle on that, my beloved father in law passed away unexpectedly. And then it was all I could do just to keep all of us bigger people in clean underwear.

I found myself lugging home big bags of disposable diapers from the warehouse club, ashamed and defeated. The cloth diapers stayed tucked in their drawers while I figured out how to put systems in place to run a home housing six people with a modicum of sanity. Eventually, I no longer cringed when I threw each dirtied disposable diaper in the trash. Eventually, it became normal.

At the beginning of February, the twins turned one, and I began the process of moving things around, changing their nursery to a toddler-friendly room. I loaded the cloth diaper stash into a laundry basket, and I must have scooted that basket around the room twenty times, unsure of what to do.

Then one day, I knew: it was time to sell those cloth diapers. It was time to wave a white flag in The Battle of My High Ideals, surrendering to reality. It was time for a fresh start.

And that’s how we got here, to the way this story ends. Sometimes a fresh start means sitting down with yourself and saying, “That’s what I did. That’s who I was. But that doesn’t fit what I do now, who I am now, and it’s time to let go.”

So you pack up the old with fondness and care, and you tenderly and tearfully send it off to where it will be used and loved, and only then do you realize how much that old stash had been weighing you down.

Chin up, shake it off, breathe deep. A fresh start feels good.



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Comments

  1. Bravo! As hard as it was to admit to yourself, I’m sure it was harder to share with a community that had come to know you as that person. There are weeks I sacrifice clean eating for cheap eating and I have to remind myself, I’m doing the best I can. That’s all any of us can do.

  2. This story made me smile. It’s hard to admit to yourself that you are where you are, that you have changed, that your values don’t fit your life. And most of all, thank you for your sharing your honesty with us.

  3. Congratulations for being brave enough to recognize that you can’t do it all, and for sharing your story! Thank you.

    • Ah, but consider she DID do it all… With who she was, being a caregiver, being sensitive, being responsible and got the job completed being herself in the moment she had. It’s just “what was so” at that time. The only one who made her wrong was herself, and bravo for realizing the burden was within and for declaring to stop making herself wrong any longer. I can only imagine what freed up and was created in her life with her burden filed as the past, following the values that will always stay at her core. I am inspired by her honesty too, and never have her values changed. Never has she changed, simply and unselfishly walked a different path to be successful at that time and circumstance. And she has never stopped marching to her beat.

  4. Thank you for sharing. It is humbling to hear that sometimes life changes on us and thus it is OK to let our priorities shift and change as well. I appreciate your honesty.

  5. The weighing down is not that noticeable until you lay it down. In my own life I’ve been trying to come to terms with what I’m called to do right now and it doesn’t involve some things I thought make me who I am. I appreciate this post so much. (And I’m in the grandchildren stage, not the diapering stage…unless it’s their cloth diapers. ;))

  6. I liked this an the comments. Life changes! My husband danced a little jig when I sold our cloth diapers. Our third (no surprise twin though ;) was never even cloth diapered at all. And he *gasp* ate baby food from a jar. It was the only way he was getting fed consistently. Just didn’t have it in me to make it myself. Just goes to show that we change right along with life.

  7. I applaud you for being able to focus on what God has called you to as a wife and mother, and not getting caught up in what you “should” do. It is a beautiful and courageous decision.

  8. I’ve found that when I get rid of things causing me guilt (self-inflicted guilt, that is), I’m able to release the guilt. I had a beautiful flute that I knew I would never do justice to unless I were to invest in lessons and much practice. This season of my life I have neither money or time to devote to this. I sold my flute and the money from the sale allowed me to purchase a sewing machine. I no longer have guilt of “not practicing” and in its place is a beautiful sewing machine which I love using!

    Great post! :)

  9. avatar
    Rachel Goochey says:

    Love this post because it echoes my own story. I was suffering from PPD when my second was born and when he was seven months old my mom passed away. My oldest was still in diapers so we decided to “temporarily” switch to disposables. I actually cried about that decision. Finally, a year later, I decided to sell my stash. It was such a huge weight off me. Glad you could make that same decision!

  10. Thanks for sharing Megan! We cloth diapered our oldest daughter who is almost 5 years old. I just had a baby in February and we planned to cloth diaper her while I was home on maternity leave for 3 months. We started out doing it but then we decided to use disposables overnight and while we were out and then the time spent using cloth was so minimal and the time spent washing was more than I wanted to do. I’m a different person than I was 5 years ago, our life is different and how I want to spend my time (and money) is different too.

  11. Your thoughts are so applicable to much more than cloth diapering, and you encourage me to have the freedom to explore and grow in the arena of God’s “right now” for my family and for myself personally. Depending on where God has us in life, we enjoy and thrive in different stages at different times. Thanks so much for your candid and helpful post.

  12. I met this point about a week after my SECOND was born, so kudos to making it to the third/fourth! My first was only fed with homemade food, cloth diapered and born all naturally. My second was eventually born under an epidural (after 33 hours of hard labor), was in cloth for about a week before I threw in the towel and only feed baby food. With two working parents, I just couldn’t do it. Life changes and we must change with it! :)

  13. Looking back I found I had a similar struggle with nursing my first child. I was determined and kept it up for 5 months, but it was absolute misery and I think our bonding suffered. When I finally threw the towel in it was as if we both heaved a huge sigh of relief. By then I worried about the damage that had been done. I know it was a stressful time for both of us. I regret not stopping sooner, but I didn’t know how to act on my instincts at the time. I was so filled up with everything I’d read or been told about what the best was for my baby. I think we need to listen to our inner voice and do what is best for us without feeling guilty about it. Guilt is debilitating. Happily my next two children took well to nursing. I stopped one at 6 months because of biting. The last one I finally cut off at a little over a year when I decided it was right for us. It was hard because it had been a wonderful experience, but it was the right time for US. No guilt this time.

  14. Thanks for sharing, Megan! It is something I remind myself everyday; just because we shift our focus or attention, does not mean all we had done before is now worthless or meaningless. Our society and cultures have the tendency to tinstill the sense that we aren’t worthy or good enough and should be doing more, more, more – like there is some sort of secret competition going on between you and everyone else in the world – all the time. I say, enough! We can’t be everything to everyone, and we can’t do it all. We need to learn to say “I am good enough, and I am always getting better!”

  15. Megan–like so many have already shared, I stand in applaud and solidarity with you. Your story is exactly what helps others mamas feel sane and normal. How often have I sacrificed myself or my family for the sake of my ideals? How often have I put my ideals above relationships and made them into “must do” when they are simply my own self-made idol? I love you even more for this!

    XO Kamille

  16. Thank you so much for this post. We had our third baby last August and while the immediate postpartum period went fairly smoothly, by this winter (and after I returned to my part-time job) my exhaustion was starting to feel fairly unsustainable. A series of events eventually led to me getting very sick and being in the hospital for 5 days in March and while there were likely a few different contributing factors to what happened, I think part of it was due to me expecting myself to do too much (cloth diaper, breastfeed full time, cook most of our meals from scratch, etc.) and basically running myself into the ground. I was constantly on edge, had a lot of anxiety, and was totally wound up. I had a lot of time to think in the hospital and have made some concrete changes to allow myself the time to take care of myself better. Since my milk supply dropped dramatically when I was sick, we’re now supplementing with formula and will likely continue to do so until my son weans altogether. While I could make a big effort to get my milk supply back to where it was, I’ve decided not to do it and be okay with the breastmilk my son is getting. We also decided to hire someone to clean our house every 2 weeks and this has been a huge stress-reliever for me (I know we’re lucky to have the means to do this). And I also was able to reduce my hours a bit even more at work. Life changes, we change, and all we can do is make the best decisions for our present circumstances. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

  17. Diapers or not, we are all married to some sort of ideal that can weigh us down at times. Bravo, Megan, for you to realize it and do a brave and scary thing! Thank you for sharing this part of your heart to us. I think this feeling is definitely universal, no matter what the ‘thing’ is.
    Best wishes,
    Sarah M

  18. I think the kindest and sanest thing I ever did for myself was to learn to be realistic about my own limitations. Once I am able to do that, in any situation, I can move forward and not be stuck. Hugs to you!

  19. I think it’s really hard to admit “That doesn’t fit my life anymore,” especially when it’s something you really believed in. But this is really encouraging to me.

    I really wanted to cloth diaper, but we were on the go with my oldest a lot right after he was born. I finally started trying with cloth when he was about 6 months old, and then 7 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant again. It just never worked for us.

    Thanks so much for sharing this!

  20. Love this, Megan! I too was a bit of a cloth diapering fanatic with my second baby – this was the late 90s when all the modern fasteners, covers, liners, etc were just beginning to become readily available. I truly did not see CDing as a hardship, and remember actually loving the routine of laundering and folding those tiny prefolds. Eventually I even switched my then-toddler to cloth, though he’d been in disposables his whole life. (He potty trained soon after and I’ve always wondered if those events were related.)

    But when my third was a baby, my life had completely changed – I was working outside the home, my older boys were in school/daycare, and my husband was working out of town for weeks at a time. I had the best of intentions, I really did, but something that had once been a joyful commitment had turned into just an obligation. Finally I had to ask myself: who was I obligated to? There are no cloth diapering police. We all make choices about which practices we can commit ourselves to at any given time and none of us can be equally committed to everything all at once. Bravo to you for figuring that out and embracing both who you were and who you are. The two “you’s” aren’t in competition!

  21. Thank you for this!! So many times we do not want to let go of who we were in order to become who we are. Our priorities change over time and that is okay. What you did was difficult and exceedingly brave. This was such an encouragement to me to allow myself and my mission to change as my circumstances and age changes.

  22. Congrats to you on changing things up to help yourself and your family. My husband passed away unexpectedly when my oldest son was 3 1/2 and my twins were 4 months old. In the last two years I’ve had to make many adjustments that I would have never considered before. But I feel like I owe it to myself and to my kids to take a few shortcuts so that I’m a joyful mom for them. Thanks for sharing.

  23. Thank you! This doesn’t seem silly at all, but completely brave and insightful to where you are. As we move to a new season, I need this encouragement to embrace now not then.

  24. It is so freeing to let go of the guilt isn’t it? I just threw away all the materials from a course I bought and paid for nearly 10 years ago (and it cost me a very pretty penny) which I never did because I had a baby, moved overseas, etc. The guilt I have felt over wasting that money and those books sitting on a shelf for 10 YEARS has been torturing me. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I recycled the lot! It was the kind of course that the material was out of date so I couldn’t even pass it on to anyone else unfortunately. Despite me still feeling bad about wasting that money and not getting that course done, I just couldn’t live with looking at those piles of books one more day. I felt so much lighter afterwards just accepting that I was never going to go back over all the materials and try and glean whatever information I could. I applaud you for your honesty and for accepting that life changes and sometimes we just need to change how we do things to get through.

  25. This post means a lot to me. It gave me hope and reassurance . Suffered from ppl. And when my son was 2 yrs old I was diagnosed with border line personality disorder. Had to quit my teaching job in order to give a (remotely resembling) normal environment to my child. I always felt I should have managed both job and home , so many women do. Thanks to your candid confession I feel totally at peace with my decision today..Thank you so much.

  26. Oops! Typo ‘ppd’

  27. This is one of my favorite posts of the year on AoS! It’s such a great example of what “Simple Living” is all about. It’s making intentional choices – what works for YOU and YOUR family. Which decisions are life giving and which are not. When your first was a baby, clearly cloth diapering was something that brought you joy and community and sense of purpose. With the twins, not so much. Love!

    I was kind of dreading reading this because I thought it was going to be all about the inevitable need to sell the baby stuff when you’re done with babies. Your message was much more life giving… though I know the weight of the baby stuff is something I need to face one of these days…

  28. Good for you! Parenting is a tough mix of idealism and realism. It’s so important to have big goals to do what you think is the best for your kid – whether that’s breastfeeding or cloth diapering or whatever, but it’s just as important to take stock of what is ACTUALLY going to work for your family. Well done for not making yourself and everyone else crazy by trying to cling to your idealism to the detriment of your kiddos.

  29. Like so many others commented, congrats on making the best decision for you and your family!! :)

  30. I love this, because it’s not really about cloth diapers. You could insert a hundred things . . breast feeding, natural childbirth, organic eating, homeschooling, courtship, first-kiss-saving, and on and on. Our ideals make great servants, but when they morph into idols, small or large, they enslave. What begins as a gift and blessing to our families can so easily become a burden. Thank you for reminding us of first things.

  31. I love you, friend. That was a wise decision (and may I admit that while we’ve got some Seventh Generation sposies going on right now, which make me feel slightly better, the cloth has not yet seen the light of day since moving into our new house?).

    This post actually brought tears to my eyes. It totally hit on something in me, where in so very many ways since we got home from our big trip, I keep saying to myself:
    “That’s what I did. That’s who I was. But that doesn’t fit what I do now, who I am now, and it’s time to let go.”
    And I’m still figuring out what that looks like and it is still SO stinkin’ hard some days. But thank you for sharing your story. It gives me a little bit more courage to keep pushing forward with letting go and moving forward. <3 <3 <3

  32. This is why I love you, Megan! I had so many ideals when I had my son. Some stayed…some just didn’t fit, like your cloth diapers with the twins. It’s not a healthy journey if it’s stealing your soul. Amen! You have to do what is right for the right time.

  33. This post actually made me cry. It’s not the diapers for me, it’s all the craft stuff. I WAS a homeschooling mama who provided everything possible for my son’s creativity to soar. Then the next one came and he hated being at home! Then 2 more at once just 9 months later from the foster care system at ages 4&5 and they destroyed anything their hands touched. Now I am a mom of 5, the littlest one just turned 2, and I am still holding onto these supplies because I want to be that mom again. They DESERVE that mom, right? Thanks for permission to let go and move on. I never really liked crafts anyway…

  34. Grace is a true gift but not one that we often give to our own selves. Bravo for giving yourself grace and leading others by example!

  35. avatar
    Becky Kuntz says:

    People change and the things that they feel are important change! If we look back at things we used to do, we realize that that was then, this is now! I have four kids too, but my oldest was 13 by the time my youngest was born and as we go along our priorities change! You did what was best for your family, That is what matters!

  36. Good for you. Your story touched me. I cloth diaper my third, having started when my second was almost 2 years old. At times, it is so tempting to throw in the towel, and if things become too much, I will remember your story and I will be brave enough to admit to myself that cloth diapering is not as important as loving and caring for my family properly. I have also struggled with PPD, and I have learned that I need to know my limits, ask for help, and accept offers of help. Blessings!

  37. You are so brave to speak out about postpartum depression. So brave! I, too, suffered from PPD after my daughter was born. It was scary and rough. I cried ALL THE TIME. I also found out at the same time that I had to start taking medication for my depression that I also had PCOS. Depression and PCOS go hand in hand not to mention that I am genetically predisposed to it. I hope things continue to look brighter for you! http://www.confessionsofageorgiapeach.com

  38. I so understand where you’re coming from here! I cloth diapered my oldest all.the.time, even when we went on vacation. The second I cloth diapered full-time until he hit about 14 months old and I couldn’t take the night diapers anymore, but he was cloth diapered in the day until potty training at age 2. My third was cloth diapered during the day (never at night) until close to 1, when we moved and I just didn’t have the energy to fight with the new washer that seemed to make everything stinky all the time. He’s now 22 months old and I still have the box of diapers even though I know I’ll never cloth diaper him again. The people who know us in the place we moved to last year probably don’t even know that I was an avid and vociferous cloth diaperer with my oldest, and that makes me a bit sad. Not sad enough to go back to it now, though.

  39. Like others have said, thank you so much for sharing this! I just went through the same thing with my fifth baby. I had severe postpartum depression and after four chubby babies, my fifth had such severe reflux that it compromised his weight gain. I couldn’t get a cloth diaper to even stay on him and I ended up sobbing at each diaper change. I still wince every time I see my giant stacks of cloth diapers…maybe this will give me the courage to let them go!

  40. I just packed up my diapers to sell at a Mom2Mom sale this weekend! I feel a bit like a failure, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. We’ve moved since the last baby & with the washer in the basement now & babysitting & homeschooling, it was too much. Our family purpose statement is to live with space, & they need to go to give me a little space back.

  41. You didn’t surrender. You embraced your new reality. You adapted. That is what motherhood is, my dear! No defeat, no white flags, just simply letting go and letting life happen. Your post is wonderful and heart wrenching at the same time. You rock :)

  42. I am doing exactly that RIGHT NOW. After moving 300 miles and being shocked by water charges 3x what we used to pay, it just wasn’t feasible to cloth diaper any longer. Add to that my son just wasn’t fitting them properly anymore and they were washed and put away. I’ve been scooting that enormous bag of diapers around the house for nearly a year. I decided two weeks ago to finally do something about it and listed them on Craigslist. I’m down to just a few stragglers now, with the nicer diapers selling quite quickly. Some of the funds were put towards a balance bike for my precious boy’s 2nd birthday. It feels like we’re ending one chapter, but in doing so, we’re turning the page to a fresh chapter.

  43. avatar
    Anne Marie says:

    This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Strangely I’m crying reading as my childhood home was just sold, stuff has moved back in with me from my childhood and my 16 month old hasn’t been cloth diapered in 7 months. Work and moves and life has taken over. I think it’s time to sell the diapers and childhood memories. It’s time to let go of old dreams and ideals to make room for new dreams.

  44. avatar
    Kasey Summers says:

    I too loved my cloth with my first child. I found a second child and my mother being sick overwhelming, I needed to put myself first sometimes. I joined a gym so my baby was in crèche and in disposable nappies most mornings, I use my cloth nappies occasionally still, but when my second was 9 months I lost my mum. All of sudden I had a father a brother and a niece and nephew I felt responsible for too. I do the best I can, but sometimes I need a break and i need to get out and be social and I don’t need the added hassle of cloth. I feel a little defeated at times, but I’m healthier than I have been in a long while and as much as I want to teach my children to care for the environment I want them to know they need to take care of their body first and foremost!

  45. Oh girl…this isn’t silly at all. Any time we wave a white flag over something we felt (and still feel) passionate about because the current season just isn’t conducive to carrying the extra weight – it’s hard. I have a friend who always says “Transitions are hard, even good ones,” and I think that holds true even in the small stuff. I applaud you for letting yourself let go and feel free. xo

  46. Aw. I get it, Mama. I had something similar happen with my second baby. A medical issue necessitated that I NOT breastfeed my second daughter, even though I was making what seemed like gallons of milk every day. It was so hard and I felt like an awful mother, but in order for me to just stay alive and healthy, it’s what I had to do. Sometimes “abandoning” our ideals is necessary, but it can really hurt.

  47. avatar
    Mary Ann Martin says:

    So….do we get a chance at purchasing your stash, or where are you selling them? ;) (I’m really serious, I have just started cloth diapering and need more!)

  48. avatar
    Angela Polder says:

    That was great! I’ve been there and change can sometimes feel like your being a hypocrite. I think with me…sometimes I feel like I’m letting everyone down…sometimes, maybe some pride…but when you let go and come to terms that the change is neccessary and ok…then the burden rolls off! Shew!

  49. So beautifully said and applies to our lives in so many different ways as life changes and circumstances change.

    I love how this statement applies to cloth diapers, but also soooooo many other areas of my life. Thank you for sharing! Judi

  50. Good for you Megan! This is such a great reminder to be who we are now and let go of whatever it was we “used” to be or think we “want” to be. I’m learning myself lately that there seems to be a pretty big gap between who I “think” I am (I watch mostly documentaries and always eat organic whole foods) and who I really am (I love TV crime dramas and sappy romantic comedies and we eat out too often). I kind of have to know who I am now – for reals – in order to make the kind of changes I want to. But I also don’t need to wallow in “The Battle of My High Ideals,” as you put it, and be miserable. I can, and should, just be me. And make it work with who I am now. Love it. Thanks!

  51. What a simple, yet powerful story. Thanks for writing!

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  53. I’m glad you listened to yourself and let it go when you needed to, mama. However, more importantly, I think I’ve finally discovered someone who would know what being a “hyena” means!! I’m still hoarding some of the more hyena woollies that I now get to use, occasionally, with my 6th baby. I’m not nearly the cloth diaper enthusiast that I was in 2004 and readily use a disposable when it just makes more sense.

  54. I can relate, the worst is letting go of without feeling that somehow we fail at being authentic and congruent with our ideals. But your journey was and it is much more than cloth diapers. I Mientras yo no pueda respirar bajo el agua, o volar (pero de verdad volar, yo solo, con mis brazos), tendrá que gustarme caminar sobre la tierra, y ser hombre, no pez ni ave.

  55. Beautiful post. So glad to know I’m not the only one who’s been down that road.

  56. avatar
    Megan C. says:

    I think what you’re saying is super relatable to a lot of different situations. For me, I recognize that waving the white flag when I had to let go of breast feeding, even though I only got to do it for a month or 2. It was incredibly difficult but necessary.

    P.S. I have a basket of cloth diapers waiting to be used… After my breastfeeding difficulties (we’re talking tongue and lip tie, etc etc) I couldn’t even think about cloth diapers!! So they are all sitting there waiting for me to try them out on my 6 month old. Tell me it’s not too late for me!!!

  57. Thanks so much for sharing this. I could write something very similar, except for the last step of letting go. I cloth diapered my first child for 4 months with a diaper service but researched it a ton and cloth diapered my second exclusively from birth to potty training. I fully intended to cloth diaper my 3rd but it only lasted the 12 weeks I was on maternity leave. I have kept wanting to go back to it but since then have dealt with PPD, working full time, and 2 moves in 7 months, one across the country. We are finally settled, I am now working part time and everytime I sit down to nurse my now 15mo, I look at the cloth diapers next to my nursing chair and it makes me tired just looking at them! I need to let go and I will. This post has helped confirm that! Thanks again!!

  58. “It was time to wave a white flag in The Battle of My High Ideals, surrendering to reality.”

    You nailed it perfectly. And this is oh so hard when you had to fight for these high ideals and you feel like waving the white flag would be like admitting your opponents were right.

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