How to be disorganized & unproductive, #2: aim for perfection

This is the fifth part to a six part series here on Simple Mom.

Photo by Carson Coots

Are your expectations for your home so high that you find yourself not bothering to clean, organize, or decorate at all because you feel it’s just not worth it? Even on a smaller scale, do you find yourself letting the dishes pile up in the sink because you just don’t have the time to wash them all exactly the way you’d want, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, wipe down all the cabinets, and rearrange the utensil drawer?

Today’s key is a huge one for me, and is one I’ve struggled with in most areas of my life since childhood. I’m guessing I’m not the only one here, so that’s why the second key to a disorganized and unproductive home is aiming for perfection.

I was one of those kids who would come home crying with a B grade on my paper. I got my first speeding ticket at 16, and when I came home crying, my dad just shrugged his shoulders and laughed. It’s only a ticket, he said. He knew me well – I’d never drink and drive or sneak out of the house, so a measly speeding ticket (for going 30 in a 25, mind you) was small potatoes.

This has leaked out into my spiritual life, for sure – it’s why I talk about grace all the time. Showering yourself with it, and being generous to dish it out to others. I’ve learned this well first-hand, and I continue to daily.

Grace is just as important in our job. As we manage the home, as we juggle the many things on our ever-spinning plates, we need to extend ourselves a lot of grace. And for some of us, we just need to lower our expectations.

Now, I’m not talking about saying “Oh well” and praying that the laundry cleans itself. We still have to work hard, every day. But we need to regularly remind ourselves of certain truths, so that the lies that play in our head on repeat will start to die.

Here are some of these truths:

Almost no one lives like the pictures in magazines, and if they do, it’s probably no fun to live there. Even those houses that were photographed for magazines were probably spit-shined from floor to ceiling twice over for that photo shoot. I know mine would.

When you have small children at home all day, your home will be messier than you’d like. I have to tell myself this all the time. Sometimes I’ll take a step back and survey the living room – and yep, about 95 percent of the mess has to do with a certain preschooler and her imagination.

• Even though you can’t have your home exactly the way you’d like, just doing something is worthwhile and important. Imagine if you never cleaned or organized anything at all – your home would implode from the disaster. Your work has meaning. Your family needs you.

A perfect home will never make you happy. Let’s say you are able to have the house beautifully decorated exactly the way you’d like, nary a dust bunny to be found, and all the toys in delightfully organized buckets that are hand-painted and not made in China. You’d probably sigh and say, “Okay. Now what?” This isn’t the goal of life – there’s so much more to pursue.

• God has called us to be good stewards of our time and treasures, not to never make mistakes. He can’t love you any more than He already does. It’s okay to have a cluttered desk sometimes.

Photo by Melody

• The definition of a perfect home manager is not getting gold stars in cleaning, productivity, and organizing. Our homes are a means to an end, not the end in themselves. They’re the haven for the people we love the most. They’re where relationships flourish and grow. Those matter. Not the walls.

Excellence, not Perfection

When you aim for perfection, you’re defeated before you even start, because I’ve got news for you – you’re never going to be perfect. And neither am I. And if you’re like me, when you have false expectations that are unreasonably too high, you get even less done because you’re a bit deflated. You throw in the towel because your home will never be as ideal as you want.

And guess who reaps the harvest of a poorly-sowed day inflicted with perfectionism? You and your family. No fun there.

Change your expectations. Give yourself and your family members large doses of grace. Pursue excellence in your work, but not perfection. It’s not a contest.

And if you aim for an excellent day with just a few important things on your agenda, I’m guessing you’ll have a better day. That’s why pursuing excellence instead of perfectionism is a beautiful cure for a disorganized and unproductive day.

What are the truths you need to remind yourself regularly? What has been your experience with perfectionism? Where do you think this comes from? This issue is so relevant to me, I’m looking forward to your thoughts and ideas.

Start the series How to be Disorganized & Unproductive at Home from the beginning:
Introduction | Key #6 | Key #5 | Key #4 | Key #3 | Key #2 | Key #1

Tsh Oxenreider

Tsh is the founder of this blog and just finished traveling around the world with her husband and 3 kids. Her latest book is Notes From a Blue Bike, and believes a passport is one of the world's greatest textbooks.

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  1. I am loving this series and your very clever approach to making a point! (or six!)

    Here’s my solution for my imperfect home.

    I have a nice wooden sign that you see as you walk in. It says, “A Clean House Is The Sign Of A Dull Woman” When my guests notice it I say, “And I am NOT dull!”

  2. @Solutions – My mother in law has had a sign on her fridge since I’ve known her – it says “Dull women have immaculate homes.” I love it!

  3. Thanks so much for this post! I can totally relate to not doing anything because I can’t do it the way I want to. I usually lay awake at night thinking about all the things I need to do and I tend to think I will manage it. But when I try to start things in the morning I just get overwhelmed and end up doing only a fraction of the list I made.

    Also I want to add: not only small children make messes. I have three teenagers, an old cat and a husband who works from home (i.e. in the livingroom) most of the time. I really need to find a way to do the things that need to be done, but also to accept my livingroom will never be “mother-in-law-approved”.
    Anyway, I have been reading a lot of your other posts and I’m slowly starting to see some light in the darkness (starting my home management notebook soon).
    Thank you.

    Geertrude’s last blog post…Breaking the break

  4. The strive for perfectionism is what eats away at my joy a lot of days. Some nights as I look over all the things accomplished on my to-do list, I feel like I didn’t do them well-enough or perfect enough. I need to just give myself a break and realize how nice it is to actually accomplish something with little people living in my house.

    Lynley’s last blog post…Tuesday

  5. Your post gave me a sudden inspiration: Perfectionism didn’t work in my career, and it won’t work in my home either. Back when I was working full-time, I found my career stalled when I worked in perfectionist mode. Once I got a sense of the bigger picture, including the importance of *just getting things done* rather than doing them perfectly, the pace picked up considerably and I enjoyed my work more.

    So why do I despair over my unorganized bookshelves and the toys on the floor at home? A holdover of my perfectionist attitude, I guess, especially since homemaking is something that I’ve had to learn on the job in the past few years. Big picture: three little kids at home who need a mom, not a housecleaner. Dishes that need to be done and put away, even if the cabinets aren’t exactly how I’d like them organized right now. Books that need to be shelved, not necessarily alphabetized, especially at this season in my life.

    Another thing to consider: do you want to raise perfectionists as well? I don’t, and I know they’re watching and listening every day. I want to teach my children “Relax–that’s good enough!” even as I learn that lesson myself.

  6. Jennie Hatchel says:

    I needed to hear this today. Thank you!

  7. I needed to hear this today. Thank you!

    Jennie Hatchel’s last blog post…Summer in Brno

  8. Loving this series! Thank God for Grace!!
    I remember seeing a sign once that said “If you want to come over and see a perfect home, call first – if you want to see me, just drop on by”

    Have a great day!


    Dana’s last blog post…Matthew 28:15

  9. Love all of the talk about {grace}…I think that has to be my new WORD…
    I too struggle with trying to do it all (and do it all perfectly) that it can make life nuts. Just remembering to breathe and remembering that life is short helps take aim at the perfectionist in ME.

    J 🙂

  10. Taking a look around my home, I can only conclude that I am NOT dull 🙂

    Sharon J’s last blog post…How Simple Living Can Be Damaging

  11. I love the imagery of the spinning plates. I was reading a book a little while ago called “The Cross-Centered Life,” and the author used that analogy to illustrate how legalism works. When all our plates are spinning, we feel good. We can approach God. Everything’s peachy. But when we’ve dropped a few, we feel like “bad Christians.” We can’t worship because we’re not worthy. Perfectionism/Legalism…I definitely see a connection!

  12. I find this one the hardest, especially with kids. Somedays, I think to myself “why bother tidying and organizing when it’s all going to be messy again in 5 minutes?” I also battle the urge to spend my days picking up behind everyone to maintain perfection but that means instead of playing with my kids, I am worrying about how clean my house is. Letting go of perfection, living in the moment, which often means living in a little bit of chaos, has been essential to maintain my sanity and to enjoying days with my kids.

    Emily’s last blog post…Simple. Frugal. Fabulous.

  13. Hello, my name is Renae, and I’m a perfectionist. 🙂

    I’ve struggled with this issue, too. I never really connected it to my focus on grace, but you are right. Grace is my shower.

    Renae’s last blog post…I Did Not Teach My Children the Alphabet

  14. I have a story to share about perfect magazine houses! A friend of mine has a husband who is a semi-well-known architect. He designed their former house, which was then featured in Architectural Digest. It was on the cover and then in a many-page spread. My friend was home with her toddler and new baby when the AD photo crew showed up, and she was amazed at what happened next: they swept almost all of her belongings into a waiting trailer and came back in with totes full of staging items. Even the living room furniture was changed for sleeker, more modern looking pieces they’d brought along, so the photos would emphasize the architecture.

    She has “before” pictures to show what her real house looked like, then the magazine issue, and the two places barely resemble each other. In one magazine photo, she is posed on her fake couch reading a book that doesn’t belong to her, but which matches the row of books placed on a shelf behind her.

    So you’re right…….the magazine photos are NOT a good example of what to consider reasonable for our own homes!

    Amy G.’s last blog post…Just middling

  15. I was a nanny when I was in university in the States, for a warm and loving family with two kids. Their house had been photographed for one of those big national architectural/design magazines. The photographs were beautiful, but in the four years of working there I NEVER saw their house looking like the photos, never. And it was kept clean and uncluttered too!

  16. Point well taken! I struggle with perfectionism in my life as well. When it comes to our home, so does my husband. Any ideas how I can gently remind him that with three small children our house will not be perfect?

  17. Terrific series. There are so many unrealistic expectations attached to motherhood, and maintaining a sparkly-clean, perfect home 100% of the time is one of them. Thanks for sharing the truth about real-life as a mom, especially the point on how God loves us through the mistakes (because Lord knows I make plenty of ’em!)

  18. Ha ha! My house is far from perfect! Even when its “perfect” it is still not! It never lasts so I’ve kind of given up! As long as it is clean, I’m happy. Clutter, fine. Dirty, not fine! 🙂

    Briana’s last blog post…Over The Hump Happenins 8/13

  19. Your words were exactly what I needed this morning to shift my perspective back to excellence rather than freedom. I look forward to reading the rest of your series.
    P.S. I love the quote your shared that your mother-in-law displayed…that is a winner and also very helpful! 😉
    Amy Miyamoto

  20. If you looked around my house right now you would say one of two things: (1) What a slob! (2) What a non-dull, interesting woman!

    The need to be perfect still rears its head at times, and the biggest problem it causes is it makes me spend way to long on one task, throwing the rest of my day off schedule (see yesterday’s post).

    I try not to except perfection from myself because I do not want my kids to pick up on that and think that they have to be perfect to do well or to gain my approval.

    Lucie’s last blog post…Love and Marriage – Do You Need One to Have the Other?

  21. I’ve always thought the perfectionists were the ones who actually managed to keep their homes and lawns immaculate. And since my home is cluttered and my yard is terribly weedy, I figured that I am just a laid back, creative, fun-loving mom. But inside I cringe and beat myself up that my house doesn’t look as beautiful and clean and organized as it “should.” I guess I really do have perfectionist leanings. (I agonized over “B” grades as well!) What I am learning lately is that improvements (or excellence) only happen one small step at a time. Cleaning out one messy closet or trimming one overgrown bush makes a difference. And when I look at that one small accomplishment I get a big boost. Then, when my son pulls out every blanket in the house to build a giant fort, I can relax and play along.

    Amy WB’s last blog post…one bed at a time

  22. My house is in a mess all of the time due to the two mini tornados(boys) . It is less then perfect and only gets spotless if we have guest – but that is rarely. Anway as long as it is clean and things can be easily found I’m not fretting over the toys strewn all over the house, half done laundry etc.

  23. I often tease my husband that he’s lucky he’s married to me and not our friend Amy. Her house is much cleaner and neater than mine and would make my husband crazy. On the flip side, Amy and I laugh that she would kill my husband if he belonged to her because she couldn’t take his clutter. I’m learning that you have to find the standard that you and your family can live with.

    This week I started training my boys (5 & 3) to sweep and swiffer. They’re work isn’t perfect and takes longer than I can do it, but if they work at it every day they will improve and the floors will be tolerably clean – but not perfect. And we are all ok with that.

    Now I’m off to work on my bedroom. Something I’ve avoided all summer because of my perfectionism. = ) Thanks for the reminder that something is better than nothing.

    stephaniesmommybrain’s last blog post…Random Things Meme

  24. I have learned, since becoming a mother, that perfection will not happen for a long time in this house. I want my kids to be kids and my house to be a home. If it is perfect than I am missing the point somewhere. Although the chaos bothers me, as I sit next to a pile of crayons and coloring books, I know I am creating great memories for our kids. That is so much more important!!

    Great post as always!

    Amy’s last blog post…An Olympics Family Night

  25. Another wonderful post. This one we should all read everyday to keep us focused on the truly important. Love the part about your dad and the speeding ticket. I wish I could always be so level headed.

    Debbie’s last blog post…Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing

  26. Perfection is overrated and perfectists are usually the ones that wind up with a shaven head and a shot gun at the top of a clock tower. Nobody can live up to even their own ideas of perfection, so there’s little point in trying. I’m happy enough as long as things get “finished”.

    I’m loving this series by the way.

    Leanne’s last blog post…Monumental FUBARedness

  27. perfectism…hmmm…grace
    oh how I need grace!
    I have learned to need it and give it!
    Four kids, an at home hubby (pastor) who studies at his desk in our garage turned living room! 🙂
    We decorated that living room very grown up! But very low maintenance on cleaning. It takes 15 minutes tops for it to be in Perfect shape!
    With his cases of books, dark leather furniture and then a copper fireplace taking one corner and desk unit in another. It isn’t the place for jumping and wrestling, it is a place for reading, snuggling with kids, or just enjoying solitude.
    It also has a door to close off to the rest of house, which helps keep it in state of readiness!
    My kids love to lay on the couch or big thick rug and color or some other quiet thing. Having a spot to go when the rest of the house is in turmoil…piles of laundry, dishes and overdue library books, is important to the whole family.

    Anne’s last blog post…Truckloads of Patience

  28. Hi, I have been lurking for a while…so I thought I should finally make my debut lol!!! I love your blog and the design, it is beautiful! But anyways, this post is great. I’m not even a perfectionist (far from it) but I do sometimes look at my living room after my son (a toddler) has gone wild in it and come very close to just breaking down it tears! So it’s good to hear from someone else that young children will do this and it’s not just my son 😉

    Alexis’s last blog post…Homeschool Software – An Introduction

  29. I thought this was a great post! Thank you for mentioning grace in regards to our strivings for perfection. I too believe that when we have done all that we can the Lord’s grace then kicks in. We will not be perfect on our own but isn’t wonderful to know that He will make up the difference.
    It’s also interesting to think of grace as enabling power. I believe grace can be a heaven sent increase of power and ability to help us accomplish all the good things we’d like to do.

  30. Cornélie says:

    Sorry, this will not come in good english! 🙂
    An other belief that we have to get rid of, is that our home will be cleaner when the kids grow up!!! It doesn’t… !
    My kids are now 14, 12 and 10… I could even say that it is getting worse!
    Hang in there, mothers! 🙂

  31. This was a great post, thank you! I love what you said about pursuing excellence instead of perfection — I think that’s my problem. I have quite a hard time not comparing my home and cooking to other married women, but I guess once I realize that I’m making my husband happy doing the things I’m already doing, I’ll be better off!

    Mrs. Priss’s last blog post…25 Weeks

  32. I’m going to try to remind myself to strive for ‘excellence’ and not ‘perfection’ – such a cool way to look at things!
    Thank you!

  33. “Perfectionist / Procrastinator”
    That title has defined me for decades. It’s a tough one to surrender.
    I need to replace it with a new one.
    “Imperfectionist Under Grace”?
    That has a nice ring to it. I think I’ll order myself some business cards.

    Thanks, Simple Mom.

  34. My key words are “good enough.” As the mom of two small kids, I can’t do many things (especially cleaning) with perfection, but I can do it well enough. To me, it’s far more important that my kids remember a mom who had fun with them and enjoyed them (including their messes) instead of a mom who jumped all over them any time the house was messy and spent all her time trying to have a perfect home!

    Chocolate, Vanilla & Caramel’s last blog post…The Kids’ Perspective

  35. Thanks for this post, I can totally relate to perfectionism!
    I can actually get caught up in the “excellence” of it all as well. Ha!
    I think Grace is a perfect partner to keep the perfectionism in check. I try to get out of the house with my daughter when I feel the perfection (“I need to accomplish more”) coming on. Dropping it all and leaving to the park or beach helps me get back into the Joy of living, that perfectionism can sometimes smother!
    Love the series!

  36. Love this. Love it, love it, love it.

    I am one those who, because I felt I didn’t have time to do it perfectly or completely, didn’t do it at all. You’re right; my home imploded, especially when my children were small. I gradually learned the value of small routines, writing things down, and working in small segments of time. I didn’t lower my standards, because my home was so bad the only way to go was up.

    Now my home is comfortable and livable, not because it’s perfectly kept, but because I learned how to get the most important things done and work bit by bit on the other stuff. It works!

    By the way, your Daily Docket is my favorite time management tool now. I cling to my MITs list each day – every day is something different. Thanks so much for sharing it!

    Susan’s last blog post…Rewarding Homemaking

  37. Hi! My favorite words from flylady are: progress, not perfection.

    I just wrote a post similar to this about setting realistic expectations and not assuming “everyone else” has it all together, because this is a real issue for me.

    Nice to know I’m not alone!

    Ann at One Bag Nation’s last blog post…The Basement Report: It’s Been Too Long!

  38. Oh! This one hits close to home. I have come to realize that I don’t try anything unless I think I’ll be good at it. I never thought about it seeping into my housekeeping/overwhelm though. Hmmmm…..Something to think about for sure.

    Thank you so much for this series. I think it’s time to tackle some of my, umm, issues!

    Michelle’s last blog post…Yes, I’m still here

  39. There are such great comments here, I don’t know where to begin!

    @Kathi – An excellent point – why would we want our children to be perfectionists? I’d cringe if I realize my kids ever thought they had to earn my love by being perfect.

    @Emily – I agree – who would’ve ever thought we’d get to the point that we’d rather pick up after our kids than play with them?

    @Amy G, Kelly – What great stories! They make me smile. Too funny.

    @Alexis – Thanks for delurking! Glad to have you as a reader.

    @Jill – Order me some, too, while you’re at it. I like that title. 🙂

    @Monica – Good advice about dropping it all to go to the park. There’s something about leaving the house and getting some fresh air that rejuvenates your spirits and adjust your perception. Thanks for reminding me!

    @Susan – Glad you like it! I’m thrilled to know it’s helping you.

  40. I have very much appreciated all your themes in this series, but this one really struck my core and I am finding my eyes wet with gratitude for your thoughts and advice. Living a life full of grace has been a goal of mine since high school, and it has never been harder for me than these days with little ones. When it should really be the opposite, shouldn’t it? These should be the days most grace-full. I never really thought about excellence and perfection as two different things, but now I totally see that – of course! – they are, and I wonder why I didn’t see it before. No matter, I am going to start aiming for excellence and not perfection from here on out. Thank you!

  41. You’re singing my song here. I’m glad I’m not the only one out there! I’m sitting in a house with largely bare walls (after TWO YEARS in this house) because I am paralyzed by what to hang and where to hang it. I love “Our homes are a means to an end, not the end in themselves.” I’m putting it on a sticky right now!

  42. In terms of my home, I’ve definitely fallen into the “It’s not perfect, so why bother” camp lately. At least I’ve realized that a perfectly decorated home won’t make my life perfect–but there’s a better middle ground for me out there somewhere.

    The perfectionism turns up more in my work. I feel that there’s always more that can be done. Fortunately, writing about simplicity has done a great job of grounding me. (Thank goodness!)

    Sara at On Simplicity’s last blog post…Weekly Links: Life Skills Network Edition

  43. After the first week of summer vacation home with my toddler, I finally got my house to the state of “perfect”. Everything was straightened, decluttered, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, and laundered. It was beautiful.

    Then I realized that for the past 5 days I had barely read a book to my daughter. We hadn’t been to the park. I hadn’t gotten down on the floor to roll around and play with her once. She’d watched at least three episodes of Sesame Street a day (ouch, that one hurts to write), and we’d gone for drive-through french fries four times! I realized that my current path was hurting my child.

    Now, at the end of summer, the house is messy again, but we’ve had a great time. Perfect is the enemy of good.

  44. @Gertie – Great insight! Thanks for sharing.

  45. I think perfection and procrastination run somewhere along the same vein, which would put me somewhere in the middle.

    I have an artist block and I think it’s tied to perfectionism, which causes me sometimes to procrastinate and wait ’til the clock almost runs out to get going. I’ve done a little art work, but I’ve got to learn to go with the flow more when it comes to art and do whatever.

    As far as maintaining my home and myself, I’ve realized that perfect houses and perfect people are only for model homes and magazines, and real folks have to deal with dust, dirt, clutter, and imperfections.

    Perfect is something to move toward, by doing my best to tame the dust, dirt and clutter monster. As far as inperfections go I finally learned, that’s what gives people character and that’s a beautiful thing.

    You’re hitting sensitive buttons, Simple Mom. It’s sort of a mental cleansing of sorts. Thanks for the soapbox.

    Suzy 🙂

  46. oh my, i love this post. i am constantly overwhelmed by the disorder of my home. my husband laughs, because everyday i say the house is SUCH A DISASTER! i can never quite get it as clean and organized as i want to! it’s the perfectionism and your post completely spoke to me about that! thanks!

    Dani’s last blog post…This Weekend

  47. I am SO an all-or-nothing person. I am trying to change that, but it’s so… ME. Moderation doesn’t come natural to me at all, I really have to work at it. This post was soooo helpful! It’s also nice to know I am not alone in this.

    Elisa’s last blog post…Oy, I’ve been tagged.

  48. I used to cry over B’s in elementary. It’s true! I had never thought much about that translating over to my housework.

    Somehow I missed this post before. Glad you linked to it.

    Jendi’s last blog post…It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Closest

  49. I found your blog via I read this post and I’m hooked. You speak my language! I too am a perfectionist. (Only 2 B’s in my high school and college career!) So I totally connected with everything you say. If I start to clean, I want it to be TOTALLY clean. But life with a toddler means it won’t be perfect. Heck, life with me and my husband means it won’t be perfect! I’ve been trying to give myself grace in this area because it means I’ve been spending more time with my family! I also have to remind myself of grace in my spiritual life as well. I wrote a two-part post about this on my blog back in May:

    Kelly’s last blog post…Confession is good for the soul

  50. I am dealing with a perfectionist child. She is 11 and still cries all the time at school when she cannot get an answer, or make a lay-up, she even came home one day complaining that she got an A on her test, and if she had just gotten one more extra credit she would have gotten an A+. I wish I knew how to help her! I am not like this at all! Great post, BTW. (although I see it was written a long time ago…I’ve been missing out!)

  51. oh my gosh girl, SING this SONG!!!!

    Every woman I KNOW needs to hear this message. I just linked over from Nester and feel like I’ve gleaned more practical life application in this one post than in a heap of Sundays…love the encouraging spin. Can’t wait to be back for more reading…off to the dentist to get my imperfect teeth cleaned! 🙂

  52. I know this is an “old” post to comment on, but I just read it and I would like to comment anyway:

    great post!

    Couple of things– I like the distinction that you make between not being a perfectionist but also valuing excellence. Sometimes I think US culture has shelved the value of home-making and it’s become a devalued thing in many people’s eyes: like you said, our families do need us, and they do need a well-made home. Excellence, not perfection can encourage us in this.

    Also, on perfectionism in general: I think a certain sub-set of perfectionists would do well to acknowledge there’s a bit of an ugly side to their tendancy that effects more than just themselves. If we are pefectionists, what are we modelling or teaching our kids? What kind of spouse are we? What kind of friend? What judgements and hang-ups do we carry into our social and family lives, and how do they effect those around us negatively? It’s also a bit egotistical… for anyone to think that they are capable of perfection. We aren’t capable, neither is anyone else.

    We are capable, as you wrote, of working hard to try to achieve excellence. No more, no less.
    .-= 3mily´s last blog ..don’t miss this series =-.

  53. Wow, I think these well spoken words are so timely. I know many people, myself included, who struggle so hard to just be “good enough”. I am learning that God never asked us to be perfect, in fact He already knows we won’t be and provided the solution.

    Trying to be perfect is draining and unfulfilling, a joy stealer. Being good enough? Feels pretty good 🙂

  54. Well it’s official. 30 seconds into previewing your blog and I am already a huge fan. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I will keep reading. Glad I found you.

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